I stared at the contents of my closet in frustration.  Should I go with the clichéd tight jeans and sexy top combo, or should I glam it up a bit with a dress?  And if I did go the dress route, what sort of shoes should I wear?  Boots?  Strappy sandals?  Those really uncomfortable high heels that give me blisters so severe my pedicurist grimaces when she has to remove them?  I picked up my cell phone and called my friend for advice.

Dear Reason,

 I feel like a lot of assistants are intimidated by their boss, or they feel like their boss doesn’t like them that much.  I have an opposite problem.  My boss is absolutely dependent on me.  He can hardly eat a snack without running it by me first for my approval. What started as a good working relationship has turned into what feels like a babysitting job.  He always tells me that he’s never had such a great assistant, and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me.  I want to get promoted and move on someday, but at this rate, I don’t know that I’ll ever leave this desk!  What should I do?  

Assistant Overdrive

Courtesy of McSweeneys.com

Thank you (dabs under eyes) ... oh, my God, thank you so much (heaves sob that enhances cleavage), this is so ... richly deserved. First of all, thank you to the academy, because it's been a while since they rewarded real talent. To the other magnificent ladies nominated in my category, I'm so lucky to be in your company and even luckier to be the one standing onstage. You were all an inspiration to me when I was such a little, little girl and to win this while you're stewing down there is ... very sweet...

Visit McSweeneys.com for the rest of the speech.

I was never very good at the limbo.  Scratch that – I was terrible.  With my tall, gangly, uncoordinated frame, the ubiquitous party game was and continues to be a form of cruel and unusual punishment for me.  My body simply does not bend like that.  And I do not respond well when taunted with obnoxious DJs in obnoxious shiny garb asking me, “How low can you go?"