Jump On Board
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Pop Commentary
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Written by Administrator
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Dear W.M.A., I Quit!
DEAR Mr. Wiatt,
It is with deep regret that I submit my notice of resignation from the
William Morris Agency. I hope you take the time to read this entire
letter, but given your ADHD (*wink*)and inability to focus on anything
other than your bank account, your tan, or Michael Cooper's
impressions, I doubt that will be possible. Before describing the
details of my decision, I want to offer some context:
I am proud of everything I have done for this agency, from my
perserverence through the mailroom, delivering god knows what in
unmarked bags to agents who only grunted or screamed as I shuffled the
halls; to my first desk - for a sociopath whose personality was a
crime against humanity and whose sexual predelictions were a crime
against nature - to finally being promoted to agent (woohoo). I was in
no way involved in - or responsible for - the decline in leadership,
revenue or morale since you and your butt posse took over ten years
ago. Nor were the majority of current employees of WMA, who just
wanted to do good work and be led. Unlike AIG, most of those
responsible are still with the company and are quickly distancing
themselves from you, Dave Wirtshafter and Irv "In Me Belly" Weintraub
as you take the brunt of the karma-is-a-bitch scorn for what you have
wrought upon this once proud company.
After nearly 10 years of cronyism, laziness, bullying, self-
aggrandizement and bad business practices - during which time you
continued to tout your trips to the Allen & Co. conference, your quasi-
famous Hollywood friends, and how you were a private plane
"whore" (which you would say publicly without a tinge of self
consciousness or embarassment) - we in the rank-and-file have been
betrayed by WMA and are now being subjected to a potential merger
through which we most likely will be out of jobs, but you will still
be counting your cash and loofaing Les Moonves' ass. In response to
this and probably unnoticed by you, I will now leave the company and
donate my entire time to A) finding a new job; and B) making sure
whatever legacy you thought you might have in this industry is justly
placed where it belongs, somewhere between David Begelman and Tommy
the Clown (the krumping closen whose team I was put on against my
wishes). My intent is to regain just a smidge of the self worth that I
had when I started at WMA, but I'm not making any promises to myself.
I take this action after many years of dedicated, honorable service to
WMA.
To say that I can no longer effectively perform my duties in this
dysfunctional environment, is like saying Octomom is a healthy example
of planned parenthood. Like you, I was asked to work for an annual
salary that was much more than that 98% of Americans earn, and I
agreed because I bought into the whole "agent-as-rainmaker," douchebag
idea that I had to live large to make large, so instead of a Suburu
Forester, I got the 5-Series BMW and instead of buying in the Valley,
I bought on the Westside, where I am still miles from the water and
just a razor's width from my pube-trimming neighbor's bathroom window
- so I have a huge nut, a family and a sense of entitlement which I do
not deserve nor did I earn. Having now been let down by you and the
management of this agency, I can no longer justify spending 10, 12, 14
hours a day away from my family for the benefit of those who have let
me down or for the benefit of the whiny and talentless clients we are
forced to represent.
You and I have met and have spoken to each other, but in keeping with
your non-management management style, I always felt you were looking
over your shoulder into the dead, greymatter-less eyes of Danny
Greenberg or some other stooge who would laugh at your inane Michael
Scott, "that's what she said" jokes..
Anyway, you get the idea, I've lost the will to continue - writing and
working here.
But please know, that this choice is right for me. I wish others at
WMA good fucking luck finding peace with their difficult decision to
put their futures in your hands, and only hope their judgment is not
clouded by fear or Irv's promises of tequilla shots.
Mr. Wiatt, I wish you success in your commitment to dismantle a
legendary company, and luck with the merger with Endeavor, you guys
deserve one another. I'll continue over the short term to submit my
outstanding expenses and waxing Gaby Morgerman's lip, but after what's
happened here recently, I can't remain much longer - there is too much
bad blood. I'm not sure how you will greet my resignation, or if
you'll even notice, but at least Irv should be relieved that I'll
leave under my own power and will not need to be "shoved out the
door."
Sincerely,
Name Withheld for Fear of Reprisals
Best regards,
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Why Did You Even Call Me Here in the First Place?!? |
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Written by Sam Kline
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You’re sitting in a waiting room with eight other professionally clad applicants who, in spite of the banal chitchat they engage you in, are essentially your enemy. Finally, your name is called, and you shuffle into a room with someone holding a copy of your resume that contains some unfamiliar-looking notations. Before you thank them for taking the meeting for this job you need in the worst way, you notice that your interviewer seems pre-occupied. The first thing your interviewer say before he/she begins firing off questions about your personal history, work background, and motivation for taking the position is an apology followed by something to the effect of “We still have a bunch of applicants to get through, so we’ll need to keep the interview somewhat brief.” Although this statement brings modest discouragement, you’re still confident that you can make the most with the limited available interview time.
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Read more...
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An Honest Oscar Acceptance Speech |
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Written by Mali Perl
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Courtesy of McSweeneys.com  Thank you (dabs under eyes) ... oh, my God, thank you so much (heaves sob that enhances cleavage), this is so ... richly deserved. First of all, thank you to the academy, because it's been a while since they rewarded real talent. To the other magnificent ladies nominated in my category, I'm so lucky to be in your company and even luckier to be the one standing onstage. You were all an inspiration to me when I was such a little, little girl and to win this while you're stewing down there is ... very sweet...
Visit McSweeneys.com for the rest of the speech.
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