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I’ll never forget the first time I was asked out for “drinks.” No, not “drinks” as in that awkward dating ritual whereby a man and a woman decide whether the other is suitable for a lengthier rendezvous approximating the time it takes to eat a meal together. I’m referring to the similarly awkward industry ritual whereby two assistants meet at a bar, pub or lounge, and sip alcoholic beverages while feigning interest in the other’s life in order to further their careers. I couldn’t have been more thrilled when I too was invited to engage in the insidiously self-interested pastime – not because I particularly enjoy pretending to like someone (despite my LA zip code), but because being asked to drinks is an industry milestone: Someone out there thought I was important. The laws of Hollywood physics dictate that the more drink/lunch requests you receive, the higher your rank on that clichéd industry totem pole. Of course I had no idea that assistants even did drinks until a more senior assistant pointed out my foolish ignorance with a battering of horrified laughter. It was really more of a guffaw that he perfectly intoned to illicit a physical reaction of both fear and inferiority in the pit of my suddenly extremely nauseated stomach. “You’ve been here four months and you’ve never been to drinks?!” He gasped, staring at me with his bemused Steven Segal-esque eyes. If I hadn’t been so distressed at the image of my blank outlook calendar, and it’s repercussions for my fledging career, I would have contemplated stapling his pudgy fingers to the edge of my cubicle where they rested. At his suggestion, I nervously e-mailed a studio assistant who I spoke to on a regular basis. I drafted and re-drafted the e-mail several times – what if he thought I was flirting with him? What if he didn’t want to get drinks with me? Fortunately, my anxiety was ill-conceived, as I soon discovered that going to drinks is not really any different (nor any less painful) than performing other assistant tasks, such as shredding, copying, and writing coverage on scripts that no one else wants to read. Apparently, my job didn’t end when I left (ie. joyously sprinted from) the office at 7 pm each day. Not even on a Friday night. Not even on my dad’s 60th birthday. Making industry connections is the lifeblood of an assistant’s present and future in entertainment, and every “drinks,” mixer or party is an opportunity to add to your register of assistants you can ask for favors. Sound depressing? It is, but it’s manageable if you know how to play the game correctly. Here is my slightly (ie. very) cynical rundown of “Drinking your way up the industry totem pole,” based on my two years of experience as an assistant in Hollywood. - Always ask up. Don’t waste your time asking assistants who are “lower” than you out for drinks. It is their job to ask you.
- Reschedule at least three times before actually meeting. The more times you reschedule a drinks, the more important you will appear to the other person. Make them wonder why you are so unattainable. The busier you are, the worthier you appear.
- Do not confirm drinks until mid-afternoon the day of. Confirming before lunch will make you appear overeager. Early birds will only catch the industry equivalent of the avian flu, not any worms.
- Arrive at least ten minutes late.
Explain your tardiness by saying “I got caught up at work.” Working overtime is like a big sign that reads “My job is critical to my company/boss.” No one wants to waste time drinking with a loser who spends hours on IM and YouTube (even if that is what they, and you, did all day). - Do not order food. Eating is a sign of weakness. Plus attempting to look professional while eating greasy fries is like Britney Spears attempting to not look like she has just come from a shopping spree at the Salvation Army in Louisiana.
Now take that list, and erase it from memory. Contrary to popular belief, there are other ways to successfully play the industry drinks game: Be nice and above all, be yourself. Some of my favorite drinks have been with people who aren’t afraid to let their personality show. I love it when someone admits to religiously Tivo-ing every episode of The Hills, and confesses that they have never seen The Sopranos. I love it when the other person suggests going to a place that serves food, so we don’t have to risk getting DUI’s (and prison terms) because we drank our martinis on empty stomachs. And I love when I actually leave the drinks happy that I met the other person, and eager to help them out, not because of how they can help me, but because they are someone I could see being friends with. Of course, there’s always the occasion when I meet a person I want to staple to a cubicle. p>Veronica secretly wishes she was a private investigator saving a seaside community from philandering husbands, but is currently content getting her soul raped by the TV industry. At least they don't use ruffies. She can be reached at
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