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Chapter 9: "T" is for Temp |
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Written by Brandon Weatherly
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"Are you a nurturer?" the small bespectacled woman asked me during a recent and eagerly anticipated interview. Sure it was for another assistant job - but it was at a "good" place, that actually makes movies, and that was rumored to pay better-than-sweatshop wages. Imagine that.
Of course I'd had to lie to the people I was temping for in order to make my way across town. There's no reason to take an entire day off (thus sacrificing a day's temp wages) just because of an interview. There's also no reason to tell your agency that you're interviewing during the workday. My excuse to the temp was something to the effect of: "I need to see a doctor this afternoon - I'm lactating. It worries me because I'm a dude."
What my interviewer was looking to hear was that I didn't mind putting up with executives who had regressed as human beings. Mutants who needed to be fed, watered, and picked up after like the big idiot mutant babies they are.
"Sometimes BIG IDIOT MUTANT BABY is so busy it forgets to eat," she says like it's a perfectly reasonable thing. Funny that - hunger has always been a good reminder to me that I should put something into my stomach. Thirst is a good indicator of , well, thirst. Finally, if you ask me - you cannot call yourself an adult (let alone a professional) if you can't pick up after yourself. I don't care how much money you have, that your shit doesn't stink, or that you put your pants on both legs at a time either.
I was tempted to tell her that there is no "nurturing" in the Entertainment Industry and anyone who said there was - was full of shit - plain and simple. That's the kind of thing that successful people say in interviews to kiss ass. It's not the kind of remark you'd hear from someone in the trenches.
I wanted to tell her that I had stuffed paper-towels under my armpits to help combat the profuse sweat from my hang-over.
I could have said that I'm the kind of guy who has been temping long enough, where any abstract notion of work-place "nurturing" has devolved into fantasies of wrapping my knuckles in rope and gluing broken glass to them for pit fighting purposes.
"I do have a cat." I managed.
Rule #12: When you do get an interview - use the fact that you've been temping to your advantage. In six months I worked at more places than a lot of people will ever work. You've been exposed and managed more personalities, solved more problems, and navigated numerous novel environments. Talk about it like that. Position it as a period of exposure that has made you more well-rounded, capable, and confident. I even stopped calling it "Temping" on my resume. I call it "Freelance" now. After all I am essentially working as a freelance assistant right? In a negative situation you have to concentrate on the positive. If some HR prick tries to tell you that "You've really moved around a lot" after looking at your resume, go into the above. That is all.
And the reason you should tune in next week kind readers? I'm going to take you to the Darkside.
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