The Problem: Celebrity Dating Disasters
It’s one thing to be part of a celebrity couple. Paparazzi shout for shots of you both smiling seductively at each other on red carpets. The most mundane pictures of the two of you (at the beach, at the dry cleaners) are reviewed by a panel of body language experts. But when you’re a single celebrity, every encounter you have with another human being is a potential relationship, hookup or life partner.
Celebrities, with their fragile emotional states and abandonment issues, can’t withstand this intense and relentless scrutiny and often make the same poor choices over and over again, resulting in an endless cycle of dead end relationships. Because they’re accustomed to judging and being judged on the surface, celebrities don’t have the life skills to delve deeper into understanding who they want to be with, beyond finding someone with great abs and a discrete publicist. The Solution: Celeb Personal Ads
Coddled, managed and barely able to fend for themselves, celebrities don’t learn the usual lessons through trial and error that mere mortals do. Their mistakes are turned into triumphs by their managers, Oprah and People magazine. Meditation, psychology and even personal training fail to make a dent in their psyches. All that’s left is to go back to the very basics. In the tiny universe of Hollywoodland, celebrities think they know the dating pool available to them but what if there was an anonymous way to connect and find someone unexpected? Stripped of fake tans, Blackberries and their 2009 limited edition rides, their essence would be bared (waxed and buffed, of course) for their peers to see. What better way to find that special someone who also enjoys private plane rides to nowhere, finding that perfect spot at home for your Oscar, stopping traffic (literally) and five star chefs cooking intimate dinners in palatial manses? It’s the simple things that matter in the end.
As a public service, IN will run just a few celebrity personal ads, in an effort to help lonely celebs find A-List love.
Celebrity Connections
Well-known blonde from famous family seeks long term relationship with buff gentleman. She prefers living dangerously vicariously and enjoys bad boys who need to be rehabbed. Must love children.
Former teen star with a wild relatively recent past is looking to find a special someone who enjoys shopping, partying and a limited amount of sobriety. Important: must have a love of family, vodka and dancing on tables. Gender open.
A gray-haired funny Cary Grant look-alike is looking for a lucky lady to share his palazzo. He enjoys drinking, practical jokes, saving lives in Darfur. He prefers tall, slender women with no demonstrable skills and very little personality. Short term commitments are preferred. Red carpet ready is a must.
Divorced well-highlighted former TV star with a taste for tanning, water and poor career choices seeks a life partner. Cries easily, has low self-esteem and is entirely too dependent on married friends for comfort. Loves dogs, yoga, beaches and public displays of affection.
Butterscotch stallion from talented family seeks hot girl. Enjoys writing screenplays spending time at the beach and hair care. Just got out of the same relationship twice and is only looking for a good time.
Mali Perl can be reached at
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She enjoys finding the perfect shoes, tacos and Billy Wilder movies.
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