Dear Reason: A few months ago, I began a new job working for the head of a department. My boss is terrific and has been quick to let me know she’s pleased with my work. My problem is with the other assistants in my department.
I was never formally trained in my position as the person who I took over for was gone before I was hired. I asked the other assistants in the department (all of whom have been around for a while) to let me know if there was something I was missing, or doing incorrectly. And while they’ve never given me any sort of constructive criticism, they’ve often been downright rude to me, exclusionary of events that every other woman in our department has been included in, and made it clear that they don’t really care for me as a person. I get passive-aggressive, snide remarks about any small mistake I make. And I’ve never screwed something really important up. I have been so careful to be kind with everyone, regardless of the way they are treating me. I don’t want anyone to have an actual reason to dislike me. But it seems like they just continue to create their own reasons. I guess I’m just not sure how to deal with these girls. I’ve never had a job where I didn’t make friends quickly and easily. But here it feels like I have to come to work with armor on. I know that my boss and other executives are happy with my work. I know that I’m good at my job and I’m a pretty confident person. Still, these girls have managed to make me question myself and my abilities. I like my job and my boss, but the other assistants are making me miserable. How do I deal with these people? New Kid on the Block Oh Newbie, Newbie, Newbie, Welcome to Hollywood High. Although you’ve probably got a better sense of style and are rid of any adolescent skin problems, the insecurities and cliquish natures of high school often rear their ugly heads later in life. So you’re the new kid and they’ve all been around for quite some time. You waltz into a place where they’ve all been working together for a while and you’re the assistant to the head of the department. It sounds like they feel threatened and whether it’s warranted or not, you’ve got to try to keep things in perspective. The most important thing to remember is NOT to be a victim here. A wise old sage (aka my therapist) recently reminded me that we don’t have any power or control over the actions of other people. We can only control our reactions, and our reactions determine how much power we choose to give the other party. Assuming that, as you’ve stated, you haven’t done anything to make them upset with you, please take the following into consideration: You don’t know how a whole lot about these people, so don’t jump to conclusions about what you don’t know. Maybe they treated the old assistant in your position exactly the same way. Maybe they always gang up on the assistant to the head of the department. Maybe they’ve been around too long and they’re bored or insecure or jealous and they need to find fault with the things that others do. Maybe they are just oblivious to the way they treat you. And maybe this is just who these people are. I’m reminding you of these options because I want you to ask yourself what you’ve done in response. I realize that you feel like the victim in this situation, but it’s important to remember that you have the power to react in a positive way. I know I sound like Tony Robbins. But I AM an advice columnist darling. Your job is safe, as your boss loves you. Also, you have the added luxury of being on good terms with other executives in the office. If these other assistants had a real gripe with the way you were doing your job, my guess is that they’d be taking it to someone of authority and you would have heard about it ages ago. SO…take control of the situation. Maybe when tackling something new, go to them and ask for advice or help in advance. I know you made it clear that you wanted guidance early on, but it can’t help but make them feel good that you are coming to them for advice. Plus, if you initially do it their way, there’s really nothing for them to comment on. Is there? And next time they comment on a mistake you made, just smile, and thank them for pointing it out. That way they don’t know that they’re getting to you. And lastly, take comfort in the fact that you do have friends at work - they are just the people who can help you get a better job, not the ones who bitch and moan about the way you do the one you have now. The Voice of ReasonSend questions to
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